Story
I never thought I would come into tears in front of a stranger in a virtual training class.
“How is this? Is this OK ?” Kay shuffled herself in her chair with a warm and gentle smile as she asked the question, trying to find the perfect place to situate her torso and arms, over zoom through my laptop screen.
My body responded enthusiastically with an attempt to mirror her as a show of respect. “When you put both of your arms over on top of the wide armrest, it looked a bit like a power posture to me.” I provided feedback as I tried to mirror her and followed my internal reactions.
“Oh. How is this?” Kay quickly switched her arms down to be next to her torso - comfortably.
“This is great, thank you.” I took a deep breath while my spine straightened naturally.
Further tuning into space between us, I continued sharing my observations, “I really appreciate your energy, I feel very relaxed and calm as I am in your presence. I feel the openness and uplifting-ness of the space in front of me, and the thinness of air between us - easy, comfortable, and no tension. You carry such beautiful energy!” I am never shy in giving genuine praise.
This was a Somatic Intelligence training program offered by Gestalt Institute, one of the many schools I study with on mind-heart-body intelligence, one that has changed toa virtual format due to COVID-19. Attendees included psychologists, therapists, and professional coaches.
We were in a small break-out "room" exploring somatic intelligence (wisdom from our whole body - not just our thinking, but also our feeling, and the sensations that accompany our feeling and thinking) and noticing the “atmosphere” (I call it the energy field) between us - despite being over zoom.
Maybe it was because of the psychological safety created by Kay’s presence, maybe it was because I knew Kay is a professional therapist hence I am more uninhibited, or maybe it was my pent-up emotions from being stuck at home for 4 months during the pandemic, I was completely shocked by what came out of me next.
Tears and sensations preceded my cognitive interpretation and linguistic expression, my chest almost choking a bit trying to hold back the quiet and distinctively warm tears.
“Never has anyone asked me that - if it was OK or if the space was welcome enough for me.” My voice was slow and deliberate.
“As an immigrant, I had to assimilate to the new culture on new land. As a young adult many years ago, I did what I knew how to enter various conversations and groups, to hear others, and to make my voice heard. I knew I had to be the one making the effort - in order to survive and thrive. The image for me is a tight circle of people and I am on the outside trying to find a way in. What you did just now by asking me if it was OK was as if someone in the circle turned around and open the circle to invite me in. It feels strangely refreshing and emotionally overwhelming. I am sorry I didn’t realize I was going to cry.”
I could vividly feel the heaviness of my emotions and the lightness of naming it.
Looking back at what I said to Kay, I want to be clear that I have been blessed to have had numerous amazing mentors who have provided tremendous support over the past 25 years of living in the US. I also want to be clear that I feel complete ownership of my own destiny and I try to always show up as a creator and not a victim.
What is however so striking about that experience when practicing somatic awareness with Kay was that I had held that emotional burden and internal narrative for all these years and I myself did not know. Despite the conscious effort to push forward, I subconsciously felt like an outsider.
I believe the narrative of “I am the one who needs to make the extra effort”, “there is no time or need to complain” and “of course I can do this” served me extremely well in achieving professional success. That narrative, that metaphor of being outside of the circle, that emotional experience of carrying something heavy, and the resulting way of carrying myself physically (always smiling, always forward-leaning, always prepared to make the extra effort to enter), have all become an integral part of my strategy to survive and thrive, subconsciously and unconsciously. Most of the time, it helped me. Sometimes, it may have held me back.
There is so much power in embodied self-awareness (awareness of both sensorimotor and emotional states), a term coined by Alan Fogel, as compared to the typical conceptual self-awareness. As I am typing this, I still viscerally remember that direct felt sense of what I experienced with Kay that I would probably never forget, because that awareness came in such a fully embodied way.
In an unexpected and profound way - in that conversation, my subconscious was brought forward to the conscious. Having gained that embodied self-awareness on such a humanistic level, I don’t want to ever make another human-being feel like an outsider.
Leadership Reflections
Was there ever a moment in your life you felt like an outsider? Do you remember what that felt like in your body? What narrative might have been triggered in your head? How do you think that has impacted the person you have become?
The best way to see a change is to be the change.
I can’t help but think, what can I and other leaders do to help someone else feel less of an outsider and feel more welcomed and included? Maybe it’s just a simple question “Is this OK” or “What do you think”; and maybe it’s just a slight shift in our body language, facial expressions, or tone of voice.
As Leaders, we bring the weather.
As Leaders, we set the tone for the team and for the organization.
As Leaders, we enable an environment of psychological safety.
As Leaders, we create a condition for others to thrive.
As Leaders, we project an energetic field that is inspiring for others to belong and to make their highest contributions.
I now feel a renewed sense of commitment to creating a more welcoming and inclusive space for the diversity of people and ideas.
It’s not extra time. It’s not extra money. It’s extra intention and attention while we do what we do. We can all do this - be inclusive.
Join me!
#BeTheChange #EmbodiedAwareness #Inclusion
